i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
