oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
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And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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