Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
This house was built for laser tag.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
