Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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