our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I AM VODKA MAN
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
