...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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