I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
