Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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