I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
