Soap is not a condiment
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
