i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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