God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
