Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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