He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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