On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
