i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
