Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
