I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
