That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
