dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
