Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
