I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
