i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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