I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
