If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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