I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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