umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We had sex on a dog bed..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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