i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
