What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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