My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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