Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
