It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
