Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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