He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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