I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
