My Higher Power is John Stamos
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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