i love accidental penises.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
