i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
