I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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