I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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