can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
