you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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