I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
