she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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