Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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