So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
