you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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