i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
