Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
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After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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