i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
