Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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