I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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