im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
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my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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