Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
