Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
