Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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