wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
