WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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